Tag Archives: Christmas

REVIEW: A Double-Dose of Christmas DRAGNET (Dollar DVD; 2004)

Aw, I couldn’t let December go by without a Christmas update! I’ve been a busy cat with little time to write arbitrary articles for my silly little blog, but I had to get some kind of post up for the holiday, you know?

I’ve been ruminating on this one for some time now, and I’ve been wanting to showcase Dragnet in some way here for awhile anyway, and today that time has come. I’ll say right up front, I’ve been a big Dragnet fan for, boy, around 20 years now. Back in the late-90s, TV Land was running the 1967-1970 color revival series, and that’s where I was first introduced to Jack Webb’s still-influential police procedural. The cornier, preachier aspects of the show would become increasingly evident to me over the years, but the fact remains that to this day, to me, when 60s Dragnet was good, man, it was good. Nowadays, I find (most of) the episodes that basically act as tutorials on how the L.A. police department operates in various situations to be fairly insufferable, but the rest, square as they may seem in this day and age, I genuinely enjoy.

That famous title screen

Anyway, through the power of the then-still-burgeoning internet of the late-90s, I was able to discover that Dragnet was first a 1950s television series, though that iteration was nowhere to be seen regularly on TV by then – at least to the best of my knowledge. (And yes, I know, Dragnet was actually a radio series before it hit television, if y’all wanna get technical, but we’re talkin’ TV here so lay off.) It wasn’t until a trip to Best Buy to visit their wondrous $2.99 VHS section in the summer of ’99 that I came across two episodes of the 1950s Dragnet, one per tape, and needless to say, they so came home with me that night.

What I found was that, on paper, the show was largely the same as its 1960s continuation: sure, Joe Friday’s partner was different, but it was still ultimately a cop show that emphasized realistic police procedure and detail rather than continuous car chases and shootin’ extravaganzas. But that earlier version of Dragnet was, to me, quieter, maybe even quainter in comparison. Hey, I was 13; what did I know? I liked it, but to me, Frank Smith couldn’t replace Bill Gannon.

Looking at it through more-seasoned eyes though, 1950s Dragnet took a grittier, oftentimes positively noir-ish approach to the proceedings, with a more documentary-like feel. Yes, at heart it’s the same thing, but the Dragnet of 1951-1959, or at least what I’ve seen of it via the 20+ episodes that make the public domain rounds today, eschewed the preachy tutorials of that later version in favor of a darker, more unflinching, and dare I say, cooler approach to the television police drama. Ironically, it’s the older version that has aged better than the newer one! The fact that each episode ostensibly presented a real case, with only the names being changed, only added to the sense of realism. None of this may look like much now, but rest assured, this was revolutionary entertainment, with traces of the trails it blazed still evident in the cop shows of today.

(I steadfastly maintain that the three most influential television police dramas are Dragnet, Hill Street Blues and Miami Vice.)

As I said, there are a number of episodes of 50s Dragnet that have fallen into the public domain. The status of the rest of the series I do not know, but it has become a game of mine to search out the best, most (relatively) comprehensive DVD collections. Included episodes and print quality certainly varies from release to release, but at the end of the day, if you’re like me, this is still engrossing stuff!

And yet, months and months ago, when I found myself at a thrift store and in the vicinity of a still-sealed Dollar DVD (a company whose cardboard-slipcased releases were commonly found at Save-A-Lot and the like throughout the 2000s) disc from 2004 that featured two Christmas-themed episodes of Dragnet and in an appropriately-designed sleeve to match, I hesitated. I mean, I’ve got public domain Dragnet episodes over and over and over again by now, so was a two episode, single disc release really something I needed to add to my increasingly-cluttered collection of stuff? Evidently it was, as that’s the very disc we’re looking at today, here and now. (In the interest of full disclosure, I honestly never really intended on actually opening the DVD, but when I decided it would probably be best to review something for Christmas 2019, well, here we are.)

Obviously, here’s the cover to your right, so y’all will know what to look for. The cover is also the sleeve; it flips open and the disc slides out, as you may well expect it to.

I like the inclusion of mistletoe around the “Christmas” banner; there’s no mistaking what the theme of this disc is! The notations of the included episodes on the cover are reversed from how they actually appear in-play, though that was probably a wise decision, for reasons that will become obvious momentarily. Besides scene selections, there are no special features beyond the episodes themselves, buy hey, it originally only cost a dollar, so stop yer complainin’!

The print quality of the two episodes is fairly good. The first one presented (“The Big Little Jesus”) is the better of the two; sure there’s lotsa dust and dirt and scratches, but the image is reasonably sharp. “The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas” (as you can see, titled “Twenty-Two Rifle for Christmas” on the sleeve) is a bit fuzzier, but both are perfectly watchable. So what say we check ’em both out now, eh? (Yes, there will be spoilers ahead, but don’t let that deter you from tracking either of these shows down; they’re both very good!)

“The Big Little Jesus” (Originally aired December 25, 1953)

It was probably a good idea to lead off with this installment, not only because it originally aired on Christmas day, but also because, frankly, it’s the more holiday-appropriate of the two. Fun facts: while no circulating prints feature it, this episode was originally broadcast in color! My dream scenario (which is looking increasingly unlikely) is for the original color broadcast to be included in an official DVD and/or Blu-ray complete series set, if indeed a print even still exists. Or give me a standalone release, I don’t care; I just wanna see the “real deal” finally put out there on home video!

Also, the December 21, 1967 installment of the revived Dragnet series featured a remake of this episode, titled “The Christmas Story” and complete with several of the same cast members reprising their roles. (The 1967 version is the one that introduced me to this story so many years ago, as you may expect.)

The plot: a statue of the infant Jesus has been stolen from a Catholic Church, and while it’s not technically worth very much, it has great sentimental value to the parish. With less than 24 hours before Christmas Mass, it’s up to Joe Friday and his partner Frank Smith to try to recover it. The fact that they have no solid leads doesn’t help matters.

A check of religious stores that may have taken in the statue comes up empty. Indeed, the only thing approaching a real clue is the sighting of a parishioner who was seen leaving the church around the time the statue might have disappeared. They track him down, and his sketchy demeanor and criminal past initially looks promising for a break, but it turns out he had accidentally scratched a car and thought that’s why he was hauled in.

Returning the baby Jesus to the Nativity

All seems hopeless, and Friday and Smith return to the church to inform the priest of the developments, or lack thereof. At that moment however, a poor parishioner, a little boy, comes in with a wagon, a gift he received. In it is the statue of Jesus; the boy had taken it. Not to keep, but rather, he had prayed for the wagon, and had promised the Christ child the first ride in it. Needless to say, no charges are filed against the kid.

Obviously this wasn’t your typical episode of Dragnet, but rather one specially tailored to the season, and day, in which it aired. The ending is suitably heartwarming, and the importance with which Friday and Smith go about the case, at one point convincing their superior to let them stay on it despite a more important matter having arisen, is nice. Of the two episodes on this disc, this is the one that could (should?) be considered annual family viewing.

Funny moment: when a boy who Friday and Smith want to talk to comes into the station, and they inform him he could have just called, the boy answers that his dad says “any kid that uses phones is lazy.” Oh how the times have changed!

Also kinda amusing: since Frank smith was the family man of the duo, he takes a moment at the beginning to chide Joe for being unmarried and unromantic. It’s the sort of thing Harry Morgan regularly did as Col. Potter Bill Gannon in the color version of Dragnet, and it’s to the credit of Jack Webb’s Friday that he tended to accept this ribbing with fairly good humor.

“The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas” (Originally aired December 19, 1952)

The older Christmas episode was placed second, and despite the holiday theme of it and this disc as a whole, it’s, uh, not a very happy installment. Whether hiding it behind “The Big Little Jesus” was intentional or just how things ultimately ended up, I do not know. At any rate, this episode probably isn’t good for perennial family viewing. It does present an important message though, so it probably should be family viewing. Just not Christmas family viewing.

(Ben Alexander normally played Joe Friday’s partner Frank Smith, but in this episode, the role was played by Cleveland native Herb Ellis.)

The plot: it’s shortly before Christmas, and a neighborhood boy has turned up missing. The only clues to his disappearance are a bit of blood on his family’s patio and a spent shell casing from a .22 rifle. It’s soon revealed that his parents had gotten him a .22 rifle for Christmas, and while the gift was wrapped and hidden, the kid had apparently found and opened it.

Not long after, another boy from down the street also turns up missing. The first boy returns home unharmed, but when questioned by Friday and Smith, the boy reveals that his friend accidentally shot and killed himself with the rifle, so he hid the body. It was strictly an accident, but the kid is naturally distraught.

Smith, Friday, a grieving father, and his son…

Anyway, when the father of the dead boy is informed of what has happened, he’s understandably in shock, crying over and talking to his son’s body (which is laying in his room; was that proper police procedure back then? I mean, wouldn’t they have taken the body to the hospital or morgue or something?), but then angrily storming down the street to the house of the boy whose rifle killed his son. Friday and Smith follow behind, but when the man confronts the kid, he noticeably softens, says he knows it was accident, and then gives all of his son’s presents to the boy!

Look, I know these shows were based at least in part on real cases, but somehow the conclusion of this one rings a little false to me. The father of a dead child forgiving who he considers responsible is certainly feasible, but giving the kid all of his son’s presents mere minutes after being informed of what happened? I call fake. Or maybe these things actually happened, and they condensed them to fit into the single episode here?

Dragnet was pretty far ahead of its time with stories like this, and it’s overall a captivating, and subsequently heartbreaking, installment. And, there’s an important (and still timely) message here; the subject of giving a rifle to a young boy for Christmas is one that will understandably draw some ire nowadays (and back then too, I’d imagine), but it’s specifically stated the kid was going to be shown how to properly use it. That seems to be no excuse for Friday, who somberly states “you don’t give a kid a gun for Christmas” to Smith as they sadly leave the scene.

Like I said earlier in this article, the 1950s version of Dragnet could be very noir-ish, and while you see some of that in “The Big Little Jesus,” it’s far more evident in this episode (probably due to both the subject matter and the fact that the other episode was originally broadcast in color). There are some very evocative angles and lighting to be found in “The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas,” without a doubt. It all adds to what is an important and vital piece of television, if not a very happy one.


Despite the wildly different emotions and plots found between the two, these are both excellent episodes of Dragnet. They run the gamut of hopeful and joyous to dark and heartbreaking. The birth of Christ is obviously the most important aspect of the holiday, and that message is front and center in “The Big Little Jesus.” The theme of forgiveness is found in both, though it’s more overt in “The Big .22 Rifle for Christmas.”

They’re both engrossing and well-written episodes, and anyone who has only knowledge of the 1960s version of Dragnet would do well to look at these (or any number of 1950s installments, honestly) and see just how different, and frankly, better, the earlier TV version could be. (And keep in mind, I did and do love the 1960s Dragnet.)

I probably won’t see you again until after the new year, so let me wish you now a very Merry Christmas. I hope your holiday is truly blessed, filled with happiness and peace and the joy that should go with the season. That is my hope for you all.

Christmas & New Year’s with The Ghoul, Son of Ghoul and Big Chuck & Lil’ John (1998/1999)

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There it is. Not the most-heralded of my many late-90’s/early-2000’s tapes, but certainly one of the more-heralded ones. Please ignore my sloppy, 12-year old handwriting (I’ve kinda sorta improved in that area), and while we’re at it, please ignore The Avenger (a 1961 Steve Reeves film) and the vague “TV Land Programs” descriptive line; those recordings are not conducive to our ultimate goal today (indeed, the TV Land stuff was recorded later, in the summer of ’99). Nope, we’re focusing on the ‘big three’ of Northeast Ohio horror hosts today, all on one powerhouse of a tape, all recorded during or around the holiday season of 1998/99, and all part of some serious nostalgia for me.

1997-1999 was probably the time period most responsible for making me, well, me. Not completely, of course; I continued to refine my goofy self (whatever that means) in the years following, but there’s little doubt that some of the things I’m a still a huge, huge fan of first took hold of me in the era this tape hails from. I had discovered Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Son Of Ghoul in ’97, The Ghoul came back to Cleveland TV in ’98, and despite first watching them in ’96, I really started to appreciate Big Chuck & Lil’ John around ’99. Except for the absence of MST3K and the now-head scratching inclusion of The Avenger, the tape seen above is really a pretty great description of your Northeast Ohio Video Hunter’s interests in the late-90’s. Even the old TV Land programming is a sight-for-sore-eyes.

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The lead-off recording was The Ghoul’s first Christmas special of his WBNX TV-55 run. It’s also one of the earliest episodes I have from those WBNX years. I recorded the first couple episodes (which I still have), and a few select later ones (which I don’t), but as it stands, this is one of the earliest to survive. In lieu of any other opening credits or theme music, the specialized “Ghoul’s Christmas Special” title makes it clear that this is a ‘big deal’ in the Ghoul Power world. Also a big deal: according to a quick internet calendar search, this aired on Christmas ’98, a Friday, which was obviously December 25th (at the very tail-end of the day, 11:30 PM, but hey, it counts).

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The Ghoul loved the Christmas season and would go all out to celebrate it, including the special Christmas-themed border and groups of kids in attendance, as seen above. It’s clear he loved the holiday season, and the next year, he would even have, roughly, a month-long celebration, running the 1935 Scrooge as well as Santa Claus In Mother Goose Land (which was actually The Magic Land Of Mother Goose and was, if I recall correctly, only vaguely Christmassy) in addition to the film that was also shown that first year…

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It’s the 1959 Mexican film Santa Claus. A the time, I was only familiar with this movie via what was printed in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide, and since it wasn’t listed in Leonard Maltin’s guide nor had I discovered IMDb yet, I had no idea what year it was even released in, which is why, if you scroll back up, you’ll see I have only “Mexican” listed in brackets next to the title on the tape sleeve. I wouldn’t have known even that if the opening credits didn’t mention Mexico.

The Ghoul loved running this movie during Christmastime, and I have four separate Christmas airings of it: this first one from 1998, plus 1999, 2000 and 2001. And for all I know, he ran it again and again during the rest of his WBNX run.

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Truth be told though, I’ve never much cared for the movie. If it weren’t for the fact that it was then a (to me) obscure foreign film, and one that had been MST’d at that, I’m not sure it would have survived all these years, let alone the three other airings I have. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have all of them, the more Ghoul the better, but I’m not as enamored of this flick as others are. In fact, for a movie that’s gained a pretty impressive cult following, I really can’t stand it at all. Oh, I should love it for the incredible weirdness it presents (Santa battling the forces of evil, wind-up mechanical reindeer, Merlin, and a bizarre pair of moving red lips that are the very definition of “terrifying”), but I don’t know, it’s a movie that has always left me cold.

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Not so with the second recording on the tape, which would have aired on Saturday, December 26th. It’s Son of Ghoul’s Christmas special! At the time, SOG was on both Friday and Saturdays, 8-10 PM, so an identical episode would have been aired the day before on Christmas Day as well. It’s interesting that both The Ghoul’s and Son of Ghoul’s shows were/are so different, yet they both really went the extra mile for Christmas.

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Oooh, I’m diggin’ that swanky green border! Unlike usual episodes, SOG read the mail on the main dungeon set, as seen in that left screencap. On the right, the screencap comes from the very close of the show. As you can see, they even had a guy in a reindeer costume, and fake reindeer poop on the floor to go with him/it! Tis the season?

SOG’s annual Christmas show has become one of my favorite ‘extra’ parts of the season. Nowadays he’s only on Saturdays, and every weekend before Christmas, there’s a yearly show dedicated to the holiday. More than once (twice, to be exact, including this year), stuff I’ve sent in has been presented on the Christmas show, and it’s always a nice addition to my holiday season. I was regularly writing SOG by 1998, but nothing of mine was presented during his ’98 special. Considering I never really had anything particularly interesting and/or important to say back then, that was probably for the best.

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It hasn’t been shown for a few years, but Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (see, I told you my UAV tape wasn’t the last you’d see of it this holiday season!) was once a yearly tradition, not unlike SOG’s running of Night Of The Living Dead every Halloween. I like this movie waaaay more than Santa Claus. It’s weird, it’s goofy, it’s idiotic, but all in a good way. Some may argue that the other movie was all of that and more, but the fact remains that Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is my preferred bad movie for the Christmas season. Even the MST3K version was, in my opinion, superior to their take on Santa Claus.

Speaking of the MST3K version, when they riffed the film, their print didn’t include the title card as seen above. Apparently, because of that, many people were unaware that the film circulated/circulates with a title card. which was odd to me, because by the time I saw the MST3K episode, every print of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians I had seen up to that point had a title as you’d expect.

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I first saw this movie when SOG ran it during the Christmas season of 1997, and then right after, I got my copy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide for Christmas 1997, and learned they did the film, too. It’s a pretty weird movie, clearly aimed at the lil’ baby childrens, in which martians kidnap Santa in order liven the martian children up. It includes Pia Zadora (who, contrary to my UAV tape’s description, is not especially precocious – yes, I’m still irritated by that line), and a guy that looks a lot like Jamie Farr but isn’t Jamie Farr (much to my chagrin).

That left screencap above is either the embodiment of the Christmas season, or a truly nightmarish visage, I can’t decide. Maybe it’s both.

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At one point, SOG superimposed himself into the movie, and tried to light Santa’s pipe. I thought that was pretty funny.

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The last (applicable) recording on the tape is the New Years portion referred to in the title. It didn’t air on New Year’s Eve or Day, nearest I can figure is it was broadcast in the first half of January, but nevertheless, this episode of Big Chuck & Lil’ John’s Couch Potato Theater has some pretty strong memories attached to it (not the least of which is the image above, well familiar to me from so many Saturday afternoons).

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Ah, Big Chuck & Lil’ John on their old King Kong set. It was the same set as their usual Friday night Big Chuck & Lil’ John Show, except Couch Potato Theater was always broadcast Saturday afternoon and was called, you know, Couch Potato Theater. Couch Potato Theater was a bit of a wild-card: sometimes a full-length movie would be shown, other times old Three Stooges shorts or episodes of The Abbott And Costello Show, even skits-only if time was an issue (similar to what the revived Big Chuck & Lil’ John Show is now). In this case, though, old silent short comedies were the day’s subject.

My recording of this almost didn’t happen. At the time, I was a big, big fan of silent comedy films (still am, actually, though not quite as fervent), and trying to catch and tape some of them when they were run as unscheduled-between-programming-filler on WAOH/WAX was a common thing with me. Somehow, though, I missed the TV Guide listing for this episode of Couch Potato Theater, in which several old silent comedies were run over the course of the afternoon. To make matters worse, we had to leave soon because my brother had a basketball game. So, I grabbed the only available tape, cued it up after The Avenger, and hit record. Better than nothing, right?

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I began taping in the middle of some Keystone film, the title of which I no longer remember, but was able to capture the entire last subject of the day: Charlie Chaplin’s The Champion, a 1915 Essanay film, which was from the period when Chaplin’s movies started to get really good. From how I understand it, this particular short has been the subject of much editing and whatnot over the years, but the version Big Chuck & LIl’ John ran was the Blackhawk Films print, apparently one of the better ones. Certainly lengthier, if nothing else.

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The Champion, as the name and screenshots kinda sorta show, detail Chaplin’s Little Tramp character becoming a boxer. The subject of boxing is one I’ve always liked (having grown up on the Rocky movies), and the addition of an English Bulldog is always a plus, so yeah, I like this short. I’m sure I have many of them on cheap, public domain DVDs, but I’m not as familiar with Chaplin’s Essanay films as I am with his Mutual work, which I consider my favorite of his.

At the time, I was just then starting to appreciate Big Chuck & Lil’ John, something that would be more fully-realized when I began watching The Abbott And Costello Show on their Saturday afternoon program. Still, I recall having made a habit of at least checking the listing for their Friday night show, so I’m not sure how I missed the listing for these old silents. I can’t remember if I discovered the broadcast while flipping channels or if I came across it that day in TV Guide, but either way, I came in when most of it was over. It was one of those feelings, unfortunately well-familiar to me as a heavy-taper by then, of “Oh man, I’m missing this!” Of course, the follow-up “Well, at least I got some of it” took a bit of the sting away.

(If you go way back to the top and look at the tape’s label, you’ll see that the listing for this is off to the side and not where it should be, right after The Avenger. That’s because, for years, this broadcast was unlisted on the tape. I don’t know if it was due to the haphazard nature of the recording or what, but for whatever reason, I never labeled it properly. Oh sure, I took the time to label “TV Land Programs” later that summer, but Chuck & John got shorted on that front. It wasn’t until 2011 when I was making a concerted effort to label a lot of my tapes that had suffered in obscurity for years that this was duly notarized. It took a bit of searching, I could only remember it was on a tape with a purple Sony tape, but finally I found it, labeled it, and it is now given the proper respect it so deserves.)

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There’s just under an hour of Chuck & John action on the tape, but even so, several skits were captured. My favorite of them (tied with “The Lil’ Flash,” at least) was Cuyahoga Jones, their Indiana Jones parody. This was the first time I had ever seen one of these skits, which were part of a continuing storyline in which Cuyahoga tries to steal the “Kapusta Diamond.” Big Chuck played Cuyahoga, and Lil’ John played Shortstuff. In this one, they tried to earn $20 in order to buy supplies to help them carry the safe containing the diamond out of the castle. Pretty funny stuff!

Believe it or not, there’s a lot of memories tied into this tape, more than I could ever hope to accurately describe in print. The video itself, yeah, I fondly recall all of this stuff from that winter season, but it also brings to mind that general period in my life. All of the things/shows/etc. I was and am into, sure, but also other memories, like going to the mall with my Mom for Christmas shopping, come to mind when thinking of the era this tape comes from. As much as I love the actual recordings, I think those memories are even more important to me. Maybe I’m doing a sloppy job of getting across what I’m trying to say, but hopefully you know what I’m getting at. I’m sure you can all relate in one way or another.

And so, with that, this Christmas post nears an end. I sincerely hope all of you have a fantastic Christmas and New Years. Thank you to all that have taken the time to read this blog, and in some cases, even pass the link around. Have a wonderful holiday season and be safe in the new year.

Stay tuned, more goofy stuff to come!

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UAV’s Santa Claus Conquers The Martians 1987 VHS Release

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Tis the season? For one of the worst movies ever made it certainly is. If I’m gonna get a post out of this one, baby, the time is now. It’s 1964’s Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, a movie that not only lives up to the promise of awfulness delivered in the title, but actually surpasses it. It’s widely considered one of the worst movies ever made, and make no mistake, that ranking is justified. It’s not so much an ‘offensive’ bad though; don’t get me wrong, it’s probably capable of killing a few brain cells, but you probably won’t feel like taking a shower afterwards, like you would if this were Manos: The Hands Of Fate or something.

Back in the good old days of late-1990’s Ebay, before films like this were reissued on DVD, I remember this (and other) copies of the movie going for some good dollars. Maybe not mighty dollars, but definitely mightier dollars. It was the same deal with any number of old then-long-out-of-print videos, such as Giorgio Moroder’s Metropolis, and the VHS release of the M*A*S*H series finale (and Heaven help you if you wanted a Laserdisc copy of any of those, because then you would need to spend the mighty dollars). Nowadays, you’d be lucky to get even a few bucks for VHS copies of those, but back then, you’d have to pry open the wallet a bit. I know I certainly did, particularly in the case of Moroder’s Metropolis.

When I found this particular copy at Goodwill for the low, low bargain price of $1, those days were long gone, but I still received a residual thrill when I came across it. And what makes it even better is that this copy is sealed, all new and minty fresh-like. This post won’t be the last time you see me talk about Santa Claus Conquers The Martians this holiday season (and I know just saying that now obligates me to a future post that at this point is still only a half-formed idea, but sometimes I need that extra incentive), so I don’t really want to open & play it to take screencaps; how many new sealed copies can still be out there nowadays? Plus, it’s out on DVD (I have a budget copy with the title Santa Claus Defeats The Aliens), and it’s public domain, so you can even download it without fear of the authorities kicking down your door and beating the hell out of you, which is always preferable. My point is, the actual movie is readily available if you want to see it, so lets just look at the finer points of this stupid tape.

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Ignoring the gaudy cover photo, which, if the title somehow didn’t tip you off, points definitively to the fact that this is an awful, awful movie, my favorite part of the cover is actually the Christmas banner at the top. As if this is a heartwarming tape you’d want to bust out every Christmas Eve and watch with the kids or something. Theoretically meant to be a treasured part of your Christmas library, suitable for placement next to Rudolph and Chuck Brown, if you will. There’s also the declaration of “Christmas Videos,” which is just awkward as all hell; is that the best they could come up with? I get it was probably a budget line of seasonal tapes or something, but geez, say “Treasury Of Christmas Classics,” or “Holiday Film Favorites,” or even a quirky “Santa’s Top Flix Pix” (I should be getting a million dollars a week for these ideas). As it stands, the horribly generic “Christmas Videos” works more as a lame descriptive device than it does as a vehicle to get you to add this tape to yer videa library (didn’t stop me from buying it, obviously).

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Of course, ragging on the front cover is really just me being a nitpicky bastard. The back of the box, though, they make it too easy. The description reeks of half-assery. “A bunch of aliens,” huh? That’s the best they could kick things off with? My high school English teacher would have punched me in the face if I turned in a paper that included a line like that. I guess you shouldn’t expect much out of a description that is five sentences long and wastes one of them on Pia Zadora. I get that her name is almost always a big selling-point for releases of this film, and it’s not so much the inclusion of it that bothers me. Rather, it’s the whole “precocious” remark that I find particularly irritating. Never mind that her character isn’t really any more precocious than any of the other kids in the movie (maybe even less so, when compared to the Earth kids), it’s just an odd comment in general. “Oh, Pia Zadora is precocious in this? Well, I had my doubts, but now I’ve gotta buy it!” Seriously, why even bother including that? On the plus side, the first part of the description sums up the film aptly, which is good, because it saves me time trying to explain this crap.

But, maybe I’m being a little harsh on a thousand year old budget tape. It was meant for the lil’ baby childrens, after all. And when you’ve got a movie titled Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, you have to do what you can to make the sale. Maybe it was easier back then, before the innernets, when all you had was Leonard Maltin and his cronies to tell you about ancient movies such as this. Something tells me most parents weren’t consulting Mr. Maltin’s annual movie guide prior to heading to K-Mart where tapes such as this were inevitably found.

“A must for your Christmas video library.” Ha! Told you that’s what they were going for! The best thing about that whole “Christmas Library” ideal actually isn’t even part of this particular video. Rather, there were other VHS releases of Santa Claus Kicks Martian Ass Conquers The Martians that really took the theme to new heights. I don’t have ’em, and thus can’t post photos (I refuse to nab another person’s pics), but some of them went all-out. Ribbons & bows, Santa on his sleigh, and so on. I feel a little cheated on that front, but screw it, mine’s sealed.

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I did done told you it was sealed! Would I lie to you? Never! The fear remains that this could have been opened and re-shrinkwrapped at some point in the past, a revelation that would cause me to lose sleep for several weeks days. But, I doubt it. The box is in too nice of shape.

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That be it, Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, via UAV’s 1987 VHS release. For all of my joking, the film has become a perennial holiday favorite. Not for the reasons the producers probably would have intended, mind you. This isn’t It’s A Wonderful Life Part II. Rather, it has instead become the choice of bad movie lovers the world over, having gained a cult following that’s really quite impressive, especially for a film that isn’t the original Night Of The Living Dead. Mystery Science Theater 3000 once tackled it, and for years it was the movie featured in Son of Ghoul’s annual Christmas show. Only the 1959 Mexican Santa Claus holds a similar dubious honor, conversely The Ghoul’s annual Christmas movie choice (and MST3K riffed that one, too). Of the two, I prefer …Martians, if for no other reason than I find it less freakish, but suitably oddball nevertheless. Plus, the persistent rumor that Jamie Farr is in it makes the film all the more endearing to me (no, Klinger’s not really in Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, but I sure wish he was; such is my love of M*A*S*H).